Haute-N-Ready: Pizza Hut's Golden Stuffed Garlic Knots Pizza

This is the story of a global pizza chain. Up until a decade or so ago, Pizza Hut had had a happy life. Its Kansas-style pizza wasn't any better or tastier than the competition, but its parents were rich, powerful and well-connected. Also, it stuffed cheese in its pizza crust and made millions. It was the perfect life for a pizza making corporation.

Then, one day, two competitors came along. Their names were Domino's and Papa John's, and I'm sorry to say that they were really horrible pizza chains. They were cruel and cutthroat, and soon started beating poor Pizza Hut. They had reduced overhead by building take-out and delivery only storefronts instead of sit-down restaurants. Pizza Hut tried and it tried but it couldn't convince people to come to a hut to eat mediocre pizza anymore.

This simply would not do for Pizza Hut's demanding mother Yum! Brands, Inc., nor its estranged father, PepsiCo. "Put bacon in the crust!" they demanded. Pizza Hut did that, but it didn't work. "Re-brand yourself as an artisanal pizza chain to appeal to millennials!" they ordered. Pizza Hut did that, but it didn't work. "Stuff some hot dogs into the crust!" they shouted. Pizza Hut did that—and briefly became the talk of the town—but it didn't work.

And then Pizza Hut had an idea. It wasn't going to beat these horrible people by making better pizza, no. Nor was it going to beat them through shock and awe like hot dogs. No, Pizza Hut was going to beat them by sprinkling edible 24-karat gold on its newest menu item, the Garlic Knots Pizza. And it knew just the time to do it: the 50th Super Bowl. That bastard Papa John might be the official pizza of the NFL, but he couldn't stop Pizza Hut from sending golden pizzas to 50 lucky winners on Super Bowl Sunday.

Little was new or original about the garlic knots pizza. Some would even say it was a blatant attempt to steal Papa John's latest, most popular creation and graft it onto the crust of a pizza. Pizza Hut stuffed cheese into these garlic knots because when he bit into them, they reminded him of a happier place. A place that wasn't too far in the past, yet felt a lifetime ago. They reminded him of a time when his parents were happy with him. A time when his sibling Taco Bell wasn't the only beacon of hope in his parents' eyes.

To better understand the story of Pizza Hut, I ordered the Garlic Knots Pizza. The pizza box is one and half times as tall as a regular pizza box–the garlic knots were taller than I, or really anyone, expected. Learning from the follies of its past attempt to turn a pizza crust into pigs in a blanket, these knots popped off with the greatest of ease. It's a large pizza and side rolled into one $12.99 menu item—$1.35 per additional topping.

I ordered mine with salami and sliced banana peppers—two toppings added during Pizza Hut's underrated artisanal rebranding back in 2014. The pizza was a perfectly cromulent Pizza Hut pizza. What remained underneath the knots was a thinner, less greasy crust than the chain's usual fare. That there was still plenty of crust to serve as a handle after ripping off the knots was a welcome change from my other attempts to review Pizza Hut's wild flailing to regain its market share among the national pizza chains.

"Garlic Knots" is an odd moniker for what amount to little more than garlic-dusted cheese balls. The garlic is nice, but there is less here than on a standard Domino's crust. Marinara and white mystery cheese are the dominant flavors here. I'd rank these below the regular breadsticks as a side, but they are a solid value for the price.

Value is really the only prism through which the Garlic Knots Pizza is a success. $12.99 is a perfectly fine price for a mediocre large pizza. Most sides will run you an additional $4-5 dollars, so getting a complimentary mediocre side isn't bad at all. And you've got more than enough to feed multiple people with just one of these. I ate four slices at lunch and was sickeningly stuffed for several hours. (Pizza Hut's website lists a large Garlic Knots Pizza with pepperoni at 460 calories per slice.)

Will the American public take time out of its busy Sunday plans of watching commercials and Papa John's-sponsored sports content to give lowly, downtrodden Pizza Hut a chance? The Kansas-based pizza chain sure hopes it does. It's already tried making better pizza. It's already tried making more interesting pizza. If covering its better, more interesting pizza with gold doesn't work, Pizza Hut just doesn't know what it will do. But, no, edible gold and a $100 gift certificate for Pizza Hut couldn't fail, could it? Hell, it worked for Willy Wonka, didn't it? And now that hack is the head of an international candy empire owned by Nestle.