John Bartholomew Locanthi
A good and definitely not bad copywriter.
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That time I solved a professional problem by publishing erotic fan fiction

So the thing with working at a newspaper is that sometimes things you want to cover happen after print deadline. But you know that the paper just can’t miss out on a once-in-a-lifetime cultural event like the release of the Fifty Shades of Grey movie.

A slightly-too-late-on-print-day press screening gave me, then-interim editor of the film section, the opportunity to publish erotic fan fiction in the most read newspaper within Portland city limits.

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"Fifty Shades of Gus"

INT. WOMEN’S RESTROOM WITH LARGE WINDOW

[ANASTASIA walks into the restroom and walks over to a stall. The sky is gray outside and rain is pouring down. Before she gets there, the door swings open and CHRISTIAN GREY walks in.]

CHRISTIAN GREY: When did you start your period, Anastasia?

ANASTASIA: Er…yesterday.

GREY: Good.

ANASTASIA: Goddamn it, Christian. Why ya wanna fuck now?

[GREY slowly approaches ANASTASIA. He grabs her.]

ANASTASIA (voice-over): Oh jeez, why did he have to follow me into the restroom? Holy fuck, I want him…but why here? Why now? What the fuck was he doin’? Jeez, was he on glue or something? Look at him, perverse as a pink pickle. My heartbeat sped up, and my womanhood drooled just thinking about that pickle. His breathing was ragged, so was mine.

GREY: Babe, it’s like a craps game. When ya hot, ya shoot the works. When ya not, ya don’t. Well, right now, baby, I’m burnin’ up all over.

[GREY slides his right hand slowly down her waist to her thigh, then to the inside of her legs and up toward her INNER GODDESS. Cheesy SAX music starts playing.]

ANASTASIA: You don’t ever change, Christian.

GREY: You’re goddamn right I don’t. Why should I?

ANASTASIA: Alright, buster, you’re so goddamn hot—jeez!—why don’t you take me into the stall and fuck me.

[GREY rips her BLOUSE and starts licking her tits. ANASTASIA howls in pleasure. GREY grabs the blue string of her TAMPON and rips it out. Excessive amount of noticeably fake BLOOD oozes out.]

ANASTASIA (voice-over): It started as a warm itch that would surge along until my brain consumed it in a gentle explosion that started in the back of my inner goddess and rose rapidly until the whole world sympathized and took on a soft lofty appeal. [Camera focuses on ANASTASIA’s face with floating tampons superimposed on the shot.] Everything was grand then. Your worst enemy wasn’t so bad. Everything took on the rosy hue of unlimited success. You could do no wrong. And as long as it lasted, life was beautiful.

[Two minutes later…]

GREY: Oh, Ana. Oh, baby!

ANASTASIA: Whoa.

[GREY is done, pulls out and sprays his semen on her back in a sexual way.]

ANASTASIA (voice-over): I come loudly, gripping onto the sink for dear life. There’s nothing more life-affirming than a good fuck. Will it always be like this? So overwhelming, so all-consuming, so bewildering and beguiling.

GREY: Now, just act cool…like we just got back from church or something. I’m not takin’ on no girlfriend. You take it and you get out.

ANASTASIA (voice-over): I wanted to talk, but…well, you grow up, you know? You think it’s all gonna be like a fairy tale. Like you’re Sleeping Beauty, and along comes this Prince Charming, and he looks at you, and it’s night time, and he smiles at you, and yadda yadda yadda. But instead you meet your hot boss who rips out your tampon and fucks you in a public restroom.